I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
