Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
