Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
