i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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