today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
