Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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