I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
