whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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