; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
