I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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