wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
