now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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