you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
