I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize