This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
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Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
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He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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