my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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