i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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