Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
