the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
