I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
