If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
