I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
