Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize
