dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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