Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
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