I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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