Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
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