You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize
