Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
and you fell through a lawn chair
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
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