so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
