I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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