took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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