So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm too high and old for this...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
