The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
FUCK WHALES
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
