Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
