I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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