i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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