Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Randomize
