Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
bring money and cleavage
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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