I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
