The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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