you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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