The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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