My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
