You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
