The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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