my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
