Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
