It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
