Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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