oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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