We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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