I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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