Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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