Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
