I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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