Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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