Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
The beer is more important than you right now.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
